How to Write Your First Dating Message
Your first message can make or break a potential connection. This guide teaches you how to craft messages that get responses, start engaging conversations, and lead to real dates.
Why first messages matter
On dating platforms like Match, eHarmony, InterracialMatch, and BlackPeopleMeet, your first message is your only shot at capturing someone's attention.
Most users receive dozens or hundreds of messages. Your message competes with many others for attention. Generic or low-effort messages get ignored, while thoughtful, personalized messages stand out and get responses.
A strong first message demonstrates that you read their profile, share common interests, and put in effort. It shows you are genuinely interested in them specifically, not just mass-messaging everyone you find attractive.
The goal is not to impress with cleverness or perfection. The goal is to start a conversation that reveals compatibility and builds toward meeting in person. Keep this practical purpose in mind when crafting messages.
Read their profile thoroughly
The foundation of every good first message is actually reading and understanding the person's profile before writing anything.
Read their entire bio, not just looking at photos. Note their interests, hobbies, career, values, humor style, and what they mention seeking in a partner. This information gives you conversation hooks and demonstrates genuine interest.
Look for specific details that most people might overlook. If they mention a specific book, band, travel destination, or hobby, you have perfect conversation starters. Specificity shows attentiveness.
Identify shared interests or experiences. Common ground creates instant connection and gives you natural topics to discuss. If you both love hiking or share a profession, mentioning this creates rapport.
Notice their communication style. Is their bio funny and casual, or thoughtful and serious? Match your message tone to theirs. If they write in a playful, casual way, respond similarly. If their profile is earnest and detailed, write accordingly.
Essential elements of effective first messages
Strong first messages include several key components that work together to generate responses and start quality conversations.
Personalized greeting — Use their name if possible. "Hi Sarah" feels more personal than "Hey" or generic greetings. If the platform does not display names, skip to the content.
Specific reference to their profile — Mention something particular from their bio or photos. "I noticed you love pottery" or "Your photo from Iceland looks amazing" proves you actually read their profile rather than copy-pasting the same message to everyone.
Shared interest or connection — Highlight common ground. "I am also obsessed with true crime podcasts" or "Fellow teacher here!" creates immediate bonding and conversation foundation.
Open-ended question — End with a question that requires more than yes or no answers. "What is your favorite hiking trail in the area?" or "What got you into photography?" invites substantive responses and moves conversation forward.
Appropriate length — Aim for 3-5 sentences. Shorter feels lazy and generic. Much longer feels overwhelming or try-hard. Strike a balance that shows effort without demanding too much time.
Message examples that work
Concrete examples illustrate principles better than abstract advice. Here are message templates adapted to different situations.
Shared interest example: "Hi Emma! I saw you love rock climbing—I have been climbing for three years and just sent my first 5.11 route. What is your favorite climbing gym in the city? I am always looking for new spots to try."
Travel reference example: "Hey! Your photos from Japan are incredible. I visited Tokyo last year and fell in love with the city. Did you make it to Kyoto while you were there? I have been wanting to go back and explore more of the country."
Book or media reference example: "Hi! I noticed you mentioned loving science fiction. Have you read Becky Chambers' Wayfarer series? I think you would love it based on the other authors you listed. What are you reading right now?"
Profession or career example: "Hi Sarah! Fellow software engineer here. I saw you work in fintech—that must be fascinating right now with everything happening in crypto and blockchain. How did you end up in that space?"
Humor-based example (if their profile is funny): "Hi! Your bio made me laugh—especially the part about your cat being your harshest critic. What is the most recent thing your cat judged you for? Mine gave me serious side-eye for my dinner choice last night."
Common mistakes that kill response rates
Certain message types consistently fail to generate responses. Avoiding these mistakes dramatically improves your success rate across platforms whether focused on casual dating, serious relationships, or niche communities like gay dating or over 40 dating.
- Generic "hey" or "hi" — These give the recipient nothing to respond to and signal low effort.
- Compliments about appearance only — "You are beautiful" or "Gorgeous pics" make you seem shallow and get ignored. Everyone receives these messages.
- Copy-paste messages — Recipients can tell when you sent the same generic message to dozens of people.
- Sexual or inappropriate content — Even on hookup dating or AdultFriendFinder, crude first messages usually backfire.
- Overly long essays — Paragraphs upon paragraphs overwhelm recipients and suggest you are too invested before any connection exists.
- Negative or complaining — Messages that criticize online dating, complain about not getting responses, or include negative commentary repel people.
- Questions they already answered in their profile — Asking where they live or what they do for work when it is clearly stated in their bio proves you did not read it.
- Desperation or neediness — Messages that plead for responses or emphasize how lonely you are create discomfort rather than attraction.
Timing and follow-up strategy
When and how you send messages affects response rates as much as message content itself.
Send messages during active times. Evening hours (7-10 PM) and weekends tend to see higher activity and faster responses. Messages sent at 3 AM or during work hours may sit unread for hours or get buried under other messages.
Do not send multiple messages if they do not respond to the first. Double or triple messaging appears desperate and pushy. If they do not respond within a few days, they are not interested. Move on gracefully.
If you match but do not message immediately, do not wait weeks to reach out. Interest fades, and they may forget why they matched with you. Message within 24-48 hours while momentum exists.
When you do get a response, reply within a reasonable timeframe. Waiting days to respond kills momentum. Responding within hours maintains conversation flow, but immediate responses every time can seem overeager. Balance is key.
Moving from messages to dates
Messaging is a means to an end, not the end itself. The goal is meeting in person to assess real chemistry and compatibility.
After 5-10 messages back and forth where you have established basic rapport and shared interests, suggest moving to a phone or video call. This helps verify identity, assess voice chemistry, and build comfort before meeting.
After a successful call or after messaging for a week or two, propose meeting in person. Be specific: "Would you want to grab coffee this weekend? There is a great place downtown I have been wanting to try."
Do not pen pal indefinitely. If someone continues messaging for weeks without being willing to meet or talk on the phone, they may not be genuinely available or interested in actual dating.
Stay safe when transitioning to meeting. Use video calls first to verify identity, as discussed in the video chat tips guide. Always meet in public for first dates, as covered in the transitioning to offline dating guide.
Adapting messages to different platforms
Different platforms have different cultures and expectations. Adapting your approach improves results.
On serious relationship platforms like eHarmony, longer, more thoughtful messages that demonstrate genuine interest in compatibility work well. Users expect effort and substance.
On more casual platforms or apps, shorter, lighter messages perform better. Users may prefer quick banter over deep questions in initial exchanges.
On niche platforms like InterracialMatch, BlackPeopleMeet, lesbian dating, or over 50 dating sites, acknowledging shared community or demographic connection can create immediate rapport.
Platform features also matter. If a site has detailed compatibility scores or question matches, referencing high compatibility percentages in your message leverages that information naturally.
Next steps
Writing effective first messages is a skill that improves with practice. Read profiles thoroughly, personalize every message, ask engaging questions, and avoid common pitfalls. With consistent effort, your response rates will improve, leading to more conversations, better matches, and ultimately successful dates.